Carolyn Hax: Skip brothers wedding to avoid abusive parents?

July 31, 2024

Dear Carolyn: After a lifetime of abuse that was spilling into the next generation, I cut off all contact with my parents three years ago. My brother just got engaged. He understands my position, but, of course, my parents will be invited to the 20-person wedding. My parents will undoubtedly cause a scene if I go. My options seem to be: don’t go and miss my only sibling’s wedding ceremony to a woman I adore, or go and ruin his wedding. Any suggestions?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Bad options, I’m sorry.

Make it a group decision with your brother and his fiance. If they would rather have you there knowing the risk it'll blow up, then that's important information to have. (You could still choose to opt out, of course.) If instead they're quietly hoping one “side” will choose not to come, then that can make a decision to stay away into your gift to the couple.

If you do go, then have a plan beforehand for how you'll handle a confrontation. You can't stop others from causing a scene, but you can choose not to act in it.

To: Anonymous: You know it will not be you who ruins his wedding, I hope. It will be your parents who will ruin it if they choose to make a scene.

— Reader

Reader: Exactly, thanks.

Dear Carolyn: My mother has lung cancer. My children only vaguely remember their other grandma, who died of colon cancer before they were school age. It’s likely that my mother will be alive five-plus years and in treatment for the whole time. Do you have good resources for discussing this with kids?

We are atheist, so heaven concepts aren’t for us. Our big concerns are not having them think everyone has cancer — my sister is in long-term remission from cancer diagnosed before they were born — or every sickness/respiratory ailment is fatal a la covid. Many of my older relatives smoked and died of lung cancer younger than my mother was even diagnosed, so this is not unexpected or unfamiliar to me, even though it’s terribly sad and frightening.

— Concerned

Concerned: Stressful news, I’m sorry.

Don't overthink how to talk to your kids, though, or project your fears onto them. The harder you work to tailor your message and say all the right things, the more trouble you'll have keeping it straight. Instead, stick to the facts — starting with the minimum necessary. You don't need to say anything, for example, until there's something the kids will notice, like worried phone calls. Then stick to the age-appropriate basics and let them ask follow-up questions. “Grandma is sick,” for example, “and will need treatment for a while.” Pause for questions. Then say what they can expect: “She will be tired,” or, “I will be gone at times to help her.” Pause for processing and questions.

Sticking to facts erases worry about remaining consistent in your message. Letting their questions guide you means they're telling you what they're ready to hear.

When you don’t know an answer, say “I don’t know.”

You can also trust your kids’ perceptiveness. You don’t have to prove that not everyone has cancer or that all respiratory ailments are severe because they live it — people around them in good health balance things out every day.

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